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The grandiose mustache has been well worn and respected by man for over 2,300 years by historical accounts. The first accounts of mustaches were recorded in 300 BC by the painting of a Scythian horseman. While modern man dawns the mustache out prank or attempt to annoy his lover, in the past the mustache signified power and dignity to all those in its follicle shadow. Although it takes an above average Joe to wear the upper lip surprise and not be laughed at, in the arena of sports, any man can wear one and be well respected.

Why sports?

Simple. Man is enthralled by the very existence of sports. We work 40-hour weeks. While working these hours, we have to worry about what needs to be done around the yard, house, kids, dogs, cars, etc. Women have to worry about the same things and work the same hours, but I would like to see the woman that believes the dirty Randy Johnson ‘stache is sexy. There isn’t one.

Men have developed a close connection to their facial hair. A man crush.

We look at these upper-lip follicle marvels with envy and desire. Because in normal life, growing a mustache today is heavily frowned upon by work and women unless you are over the age of 40 or it is required in an acting gig. Because the mustache has been thrown in the ranks of mullets by today’s generation, it will not have the same appeal it did 20 years ago. But these rules don’t exist in sports.

In sports, these men are allowed to do whatever they would like to do. And some of the best, brightest, and cleanest groomed mustaches have come from professional sports. There have been many lists made of the “Top 10 Mustaches” or “The Best Mustaches”, but they are all FUBAR. I will argue that none of these creators have actually tried growing a ‘stache, had a father that’s worn one for 45 years, or could name a player based on his upper lip. These are the true best mustaches the sports world has ever seen.

Bruce Grobbelar

When you think of soccer-stache, you any man should think of Bruce Grobbelaar of Liverpool. Since his debut for the Reds in August of 1981, Grobbelaar appeared in 627 team games as keeper, most notably with the stache. As a bearer of the mustache, he is expected to withhold some form of badassness in his sport. As a goalkeep, one would think that would be hard, but it wasn’t for Bruce. For instance, in the 1984 UEFA Cup finals against Roma, it ended in 1-1 and came down to a penalty kick. Instead of concentrating on the upcoming kick, Bruce reportedly turned around and started biting the net and mimiced the action of eating spaghetti. Bruno Conti, the kicker, sent the ball flying above the crossbar. Mustache wins.

Lanny McDonald

Hockey is a brutal sport, therefore a manly sport. Players sport scars, open wounds, missing teeth, swollen digits, and all sorts of hair styles. In the recent years of hockey, we have seen mustaches shaved off the ice. Lanny McDonald arguably sported the sweetest, dirtiest mustache in the history of the NHL. McDonald’s career lasted from 1973 to 1989, when he played for the Maple Leaves, Colorado Rockies, and Calgary Flames. During the 1983 season, McDonald found himself on a race to outscore Gretzky, only to end up with 66 goals. The amazing part of this fete was that he had twice as many goals as assists that season. He also led Calgary to their first and only cup victory.

Hulk Hogan

No, wrestling is not a sport, at least not according to me. But is Hulk Hogan athletic? Other than his steel-like flexibility and manboobs, yes he is. And his mustache is one of the most notable in all of professional sports. Terry Gene Bollea (his real name) is the twelve time world champion, including the six time WCW World Heavyweight Champion and the six time WWF/E Champion as well as a World Tag Team Champion. Never has an athlete besides Tiger Woods held so many titles to his name. Although his clasification as an athlete may be questioned, the mustache undoubtably cannot.

Randall “Tex” Cobb

Randall “Tex” Cobb is renowned in the world of boxing as having one of the toughest chins of all time. Since his boxing debut in 1977, Tex has only been knocked out once, by Dee Collier in 1985. During a World Heavyweight Title fight in 1982 against Larry Holmes, Tex went 15 rounds with Larry, losing all 15 unanimously on all three score cards. The bloody mess of a fight was so intense that announcer Howard Cosell vowed that he would never call another boxing match again. When asked if he would challenge Holmes to a rematch, Tex boastfully replied that he didn’t think Larry’s hands could take it. Perhaps the mustache played some part in Tex’s ability to take a punch so well?

Dale Earnhardt

The Intimidator needs no introduction. Since his death in the final lap of the 2001 Daytona 500, the racing world has been looking for a new face to carry the image of NASCAR. And since his Winston Cup debut in 1975, this Kanapolis, NC native had carried that image with a mustache and look of fearless confidence. Earnhardt is tied with Richard Petty for the most NASCAR championships at 7, leaving a mark for modern drivers to hit. To this day, no NASCAR driver has yet to win Rookie of the Year honors and a Winston Cup Championship the following year.

Patrick Ewing

Patrick Ewing’s ’stache is without a doubt the most accomplished in NBA history. Although Larry Bird wore the stache for a short time, his heredity as a semi-ginger did not provide him with the heriditary traits needed to grow a manly one. At Georgetown, Ewing helped lead the Hoyas to an appearance at the 1982 National Championship game against North Carolina. The Hoyas had a chance to win the game, until the infamous turnover to James Worthy in the last seconds of gameplay. During his time with the Knicks (I don’t count the Supersonics and Magic seasons), Ewing was an 11 time NBA All-Star, the 1986 NBA rookie of the year, and boasts 1984 and 1992 Olympic gold medals. Maybe Patrick Ewing Jr.’s teammates need to convince him to grow a stache while he makes his mark on Georgetown as well.

Rollie Fingers

When it comes to the most notable mustaches in sports history, one would be a fool to not mention the face art on Rollie Fingers. Fingers had the mustache that a man would see in public and say to himself “damn, I’ve gotta get me one of those”. His mustache was the type that mimicked carrying a handgun on your upper lip. Although it looked very sleek and fun, it was also extremely dangerous and intimidating. The handlebar mustache originated in 1983 when then owner of the Athletics, Charles O. Finley gave him a $300 bonus to grow it. During his career, Fingers was a 7 time All-Star selection, 3 time World Series Champion, and the 1981 AL MVP and winner to the Cy Young Award. He also has his number 34 retired by the Athletics and the Brewers. This mustache is truly one for the history books.

Honorable Mention Mustaches:

Keith Hernandex

Al Hrabosky

Smokin Joe Frazier

The Eck

Don Mattingly

Terry McDermott

Randy Johnson

Mike Ditka

Goose Gossage

Graham Souness

It’s called K-A-R-M-A . . . say it aloud now, KARMA.

Big Brown’s trainer Dutrow Jr. announced today that he had full confidence that Casino Drive had absolutely no chance. Here is a little excerpt from ESPN:

“He’s got no chance of beating our horse,” Dutrow told reporters Wednesday. “I’ll be in the winner’s circle when they get to the quarter pole. That’s how I feel. I don’t see that this horse can beat him.”

I’m a pretty superstitious guy, and it seems like when I talk crap about another opponent, I always end up getting beat. So, don’t put your money on Big Brown winning the crown. Dutrow’s already jinxed his chances.

Childhood prodigies come and go throughout the media, however, these four children are the real deal. If they have not received professional offers yet, they surely will in the coming future. It is hard for children to stand out in team sports, but hard work and determination will get the attention of scouts and the media. These are the top child athletes of the world:

BASKETBALL and TRACK:

Jashaun Agosto is an 11 year old child that is simply unbelievable. Not only does he complete 200 push ups, 200 sit ups, and 150 squats every night before bed, but he also runs a sub 4:50 mile and practices basketball 4 hours a day, seven days a week. This 5th grader competes against older opponents and is completely self motivated. He is easily the youngest child prospect in the sport of basketball . . . any bets on when will Kentucky send him an offer?

TENNIS:

Jan Kristian Silva is a tennis pro and he is only 5 years old. His parents pay nearly $140,000 a year to send him to a French tennis complex where he strives to improve his game. At a whopping 4-foot tall and 60 pounds, this kid can slam and return serves with many adults. He can also play the net like a 6 footer.

FUTBOL:

Rhain Davis is a 9-year-old Australian “whiz kid” who has been snatched up by Manchester United. The child moved 11,000 miles to Britain to join the Red Devils Academy and compete in the beautiful game. There he excelled and caught the eyes of Man U, where they offered him a scholarship. Under the contract he will train with Manchester daily and cannot sign a professional contract until the age of 16 years.

GOLF:

Kyle Logrosso is more than your typical 5 year old boy. Shortly after birth, it was discovered that he had cancer in both eyes, requiring months of chemotherapy and his left eye to be removed. Since then Kyle has fell in love with the game of golf. Like many child prodigy golfers before his time (i.e. Tiger Woods), Kyle enjoys being in the spotlight and showcasing his skills. And get this, his best game in 9 holes is a 46 . . . how many adults can claim this in their golf game?

A new controversy has arisen out of the Eight Belles tragedy from last weekend’s Kentucky Derby. Apparently suspicion has mounted that Eight Belles had been given performance enhancing drugs - primarily steroids - which would account both for her unnaturally large size and for her two subsequent broken ankles.

The trainers have defended themselves stating that in no way was the horse ever given illegal growth substances and have allowed an autopsy to go through which should give a complete answer to the situation.

It is amazing to note that steroid usage in Horses is only banned in the state of Iowa and, while Horse Racing officials have begun considering and moving towards an outright ban, the practice is still fairly commonplace. The Jockey Club has also come out to oppose the use of steroids

Even more baffling is that the Food and Drug Administration has approved the use of these steroids with few prohibitions. While it is understandable that such animals, like humans, would need anabolic steroids due to illness or condition, it seems rather negligent to allow these dangerous substances to be used at will on an animal of known fragility, and the harsh consequences of a break. “The U.S. is the only major racing country that allows the unregulated used of anabolic steroids.” ESPN.

So, if so many groups are opposing the use of steroids in the sport of Race Horsing, why has so little been done about it?

No Backbone: The Racing Medication and Testing Consortium has no back-bone. What is their response? Only allow 4 types of anabolic steroids, not within 30 days of a race, and only in the states of Indiana, Kentucky, and California. Sure these are hotbeds of Horse Racing, but the regulations themselves are nearly impossible to enforce because it is difficult to determine with absolute authority when the steroids were administered.

Limited Funding. It is estimated that an additional $15 million will be needed to thoroughly test horses for violations. This may seem insubstantial in the world of sports, but it represents a more than 50% increase in the total amount spent on testing at this time. It will be hard to find individuals to cough up for regulation that is largely unnoticed and will, frankly, lower the speeds and abilities of many of the horses that have wowed us in past.

Gambling. There is too much incentive for collusion. If an owner wants to see his horse win, and the hundreds of thousands of dollars behind it are tied to individuals who know that owner, you can be certain that there will be a mounting pressure to dope up before a race. Imagine if Pete Rose got to walk around with handful of amphetamines right before a Reds Baseball Game.

I don’t oppose horse race gambling at all, I don’t oppose the use of euthanasia on horses, but I do oppose the wanton disregard of a horse’s life and health vis-a-vis the use of steroids. Shame on the trainers who use it, and shame on those in power who do nothing to stop it.