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In less than three weeks, the world will drop what they are doing to witness the spectacle that is the opening ceremonies for the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics. And although it has drifted into obscurity, the media has seemingly forgotten the promise that China made to us nearly 3 years ago today: no rain . And Hu Jinao wasn’t talking about the 1993 Blind Melon single, either.

In a world filled with violence and destruction, it seems the only saving grace reminding us of the Earth’s beauty is Mother Nature. Nothing signifies freedom like a large cumulus cloud floating above on a warm August day . . . which explains why China wants to destroy all clouds before they reach Beijing during the opening ceremonies. Although Robin Williams once joked that the Chinese don’t have bombs, just 1 billion people going “boom”, this firepower is real. With an arsenal of surplus anti-aircraft guns and rocket launchers, the Chinese have enlisted nearly 37,000 peasants to shoot into the clouds.

This is the Chinese equivalent to giving 37,000 American Rednecks free vouchers for highly explosive screamin’ mimi bottle rockets. There is a huge difference between giving military officials free range to shoot down bothersome clouds and giving permission to village peasants to do so. Ying Kao Hugh, who owns a cheery orchard 20 kilometers outside the city of Beijing, is one of the peasants enrolled in the cloud doomed-cloud brigade. Ying says that although he received mixed emotions at the beginning of the program from local villagers, they now believe he is the one capable of making it rain, bringing moisture to the parched farming regions. He has recently gained more fame since in the eyes of the local youth since Chinese rapper Emcee T AZN released his remake of Lil Wayne’s “Make it Rain” on the AM frequencies.

But although Ying enjoys the fame and responsibility, he admits to knowing little in the academia of meteorology. He can tell the difference between regular clouds and rain clouds, but like any man he is still tempted to test his aim at flocks of birds or geese. “The Chinese officials sound the siren, and we are required to be at our guns in less than 10 minutes” said Hugh, pointing proudly towards his vintage 1946 WWII 37 mm anti-aircraft gun with a smirk on his face. After he places a pencil sized vile of silver iodide into the shells, they are loaded into the gun and the carnage takes place. Hugh’s new goal: “to show the world we can keep it from precipitating during the opening ceremonies this August.” His confidence level seemed to reflect the dominance his country has had over our economy for several decades, although the United States induces precipitation in a much more advanced way.

While “cloud seeding” is nothing new, the United States government uses more traditional methods involving silver iodide flares dispersed from jets. Although costly, it is safer and more effective than relying on ground to air attacks.

In two weeks, the Beijing Weather Modification Office will locate 20 firing sites on standby for major tests and preparation. Prior to 2008, Chinese officials have claimed to have flown 3,000 cloud seeding missions and produced more than 275 billion cubic yards of water. The Chinese have been experimenting with this technology since 1958, falsifying the old Mark Twain quote “Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” China has full hopes to eliminate any weather.

They will do this with over 4,000 rocket launchers and nearly 7,000 artillery pieces filled with silver iodide at a cost of nearly $90 million. (Source: Beijing Weather Modification Office)

But this is not the only way that China is attempting to curb the weather this weekend. In an effort to prove to the world that it can not only eliminate rain, but also pollution, the government has ordered half of the city’s 3.3 million vehicles off the streets for two months. This is an experiment designed to remove the controversial smoggy film and to ease traffic during the Olympics.

And although the smog and weather may be gone come opening ceremony, I have concluded one main thing about the Olympics in Beijing. This is China’s attempt to show the world that they are a stable, sound, and thriving powerhouse. As a red-blooded, cold beer drinkin’ American, I would like nothing more than to see them fail at hosting the Olympics based on one fact: it rained. Even if they beat us in medals, that one raindrop will negate all triumphs accomplished at this year’s games. After 50 years of experiments, billions of dollars in funds, and thousands of their top scientists hitting the books and tests, they will fail when it matters most. While most of America has forgotten this promise, I have not. China, 2 years ago you promised the world there would be no rain during the opening ceremony. You had better get it right, because according to your people, the weather isn’t so great right now: