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The grandiose mustache has been well worn and respected by man for over 2,300 years by historical accounts. The first accounts of mustaches were recorded in 300 BC by the painting of a Scythian horseman. While modern man dawns the mustache out prank or attempt to annoy his lover, in the past the mustache signified power and dignity to all those in its follicle shadow. Although it takes an above average Joe to wear the upper lip surprise and not be laughed at, in the arena of sports, any man can wear one and be well respected.
Why sports?
Simple. Man is enthralled by the very existence of sports. We work 40-hour weeks. While working these hours, we have to worry about what needs to be done around the yard, house, kids, dogs, cars, etc. Women have to worry about the same things and work the same hours, but I would like to see the woman that believes the dirty Randy Johnson ‘stache is sexy. There isn’t one.
Men have developed a close connection to their facial hair. A man crush.
We look at these upper-lip follicle marvels with envy and desire. Because in normal life, growing a mustache today is heavily frowned upon by work and women unless you are over the age of 40 or it is required in an acting gig. Because the mustache has been thrown in the ranks of mullets by today’s generation, it will not have the same appeal it did 20 years ago. But these rules don’t exist in sports.
In sports, these men are allowed to do whatever they would like to do. And some of the best, brightest, and cleanest groomed mustaches have come from professional sports. There have been many lists made of the “Top 10 Mustaches” or “The Best Mustaches”, but they are all FUBAR. I will argue that none of these creators have actually tried growing a ‘stache, had a father that’s worn one for 45 years, or could name a player based on his upper lip. These are the true best mustaches the sports world has ever seen.
Bruce Grobbelar
When you think of soccer-stache, you any man should think of Bruce Grobbelaar of Liverpool. Since his debut for the Reds in August of 1981, Grobbelaar appeared in 627 team games as keeper, most notably with the stache. As a bearer of the mustache, he is expected to withhold some form of badassness in his sport. As a goalkeep, one would think that would be hard, but it wasn’t for Bruce. For instance, in the 1984 UEFA Cup finals against Roma, it ended in 1-1 and came down to a penalty kick. Instead of concentrating on the upcoming kick, Bruce reportedly turned around and started biting the net and mimiced the action of eating spaghetti. Bruno Conti, the kicker, sent the ball flying above the crossbar. Mustache wins.
Lanny McDonald
Hockey is a brutal sport, therefore a manly sport. Players sport scars, open wounds, missing teeth, swollen digits, and all sorts of hair styles. In the recent years of hockey, we have seen mustaches shaved off the ice. Lanny McDonald arguably sported the sweetest, dirtiest mustache in the history of the NHL. McDonald’s career lasted from 1973 to 1989, when he played for the Maple Leaves, Colorado Rockies, and Calgary Flames. During the 1983 season, McDonald found himself on a race to outscore Gretzky, only to end up with 66 goals. The amazing part of this fete was that he had twice as many goals as assists that season. He also led Calgary to their first and only cup victory.
Hulk Hogan
No, wrestling is not a sport, at least not according to me. But is Hulk Hogan athletic? Other than his steel-like flexibility and manboobs, yes he is. And his mustache is one of the most notable in all of professional sports. Terry Gene Bollea (his real name) is the twelve time world champion, including the six time WCW World Heavyweight Champion and the six time WWF/E Champion as well as a World Tag Team Champion. Never has an athlete besides Tiger Woods held so many titles to his name. Although his clasification as an athlete may be questioned, the mustache undoubtably cannot.
Randall “Tex” Cobb
Randall “Tex” Cobb is renowned in the world of boxing as having one of the toughest chins of all time. Since his boxing debut in 1977, Tex has only been knocked out once, by Dee Collier in 1985. During a World Heavyweight Title fight in 1982 against Larry Holmes, Tex went 15 rounds with Larry, losing all 15 unanimously on all three score cards. The bloody mess of a fight was so intense that announcer Howard Cosell vowed that he would never call another boxing match again. When asked if he would challenge Holmes to a rematch, Tex boastfully replied that he didn’t think Larry’s hands could take it. Perhaps the mustache played some part in Tex’s ability to take a punch so well?
Dale Earnhardt
The Intimidator needs no introduction. Since his death in the final lap of the 2001 Daytona 500, the racing world has been looking for a new face to carry the image of NASCAR. And since his Winston Cup debut in 1975, this Kanapolis, NC native had carried that image with a mustache and look of fearless confidence. Earnhardt is tied with Richard Petty for the most NASCAR championships at 7, leaving a mark for modern drivers to hit. To this day, no NASCAR driver has yet to win Rookie of the Year honors and a Winston Cup Championship the following year.
Patrick Ewing
Patrick Ewing’s ’stache is without a doubt the most accomplished in NBA history. Although Larry Bird wore the stache for a short time, his heredity as a semi-ginger did not provide him with the heriditary traits needed to grow a manly one. At Georgetown, Ewing helped lead the Hoyas to an appearance at the 1982 National Championship game against North Carolina. The Hoyas had a chance to win the game, until the infamous turnover to James Worthy in the last seconds of gameplay. During his time with the Knicks (I don’t count the Supersonics and Magic seasons), Ewing was an 11 time NBA All-Star, the 1986 NBA rookie of the year, and boasts 1984 and 1992 Olympic gold medals. Maybe Patrick Ewing Jr.’s teammates need to convince him to grow a stache while he makes his mark on Georgetown as well.
Rollie Fingers
When it comes to the most notable mustaches in sports history, one would be a fool to not mention the face art on Rollie Fingers. Fingers had the mustache that a man would see in public and say to himself “damn, I’ve gotta get me one of those”. His mustache was the type that mimicked carrying a handgun on your upper lip. Although it looked very sleek and fun, it was also extremely dangerous and intimidating. The handlebar mustache originated in 1983 when then owner of the Athletics, Charles O. Finley gave him a $300 bonus to grow it. During his career, Fingers was a 7 time All-Star selection, 3 time World Series Champion, and the 1981 AL MVP and winner to the Cy Young Award. He also has his number 34 retired by the Athletics and the Brewers. This mustache is truly one for the history books.
Honorable Mention Mustaches:
Keith Hernandex
Al Hrabosky
Smokin Joe Frazier
The Eck
Don Mattingly
Terry McDermott
Randy Johnson
Mike Ditka
Goose Gossage
Graham Souness
June 19th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
[...] The Most Accomplished Mustaches in Sports History When it comes to the most notable mustaches in sports history, one would be a fool to not mention the face art on Rollie Fingers. Fingers had the mustache that a man would see in public and say to himself “damn, I’ve gotta get me one of … [...]